We must do the opposite of what feels right because there is no right in fear.
Fear is always wrong. Fear is a liar. Fear wants you to stop.
Fear is an powerful thing. I will not say it isn’t and to act like it is less than would be doing it a disservice. Mostly to myself. Though fear can be a powerful force does not mean one can’t move while in it. It does not mean I can’t move in the presence of it.
Yosemite is an inspiring piece of nature. Its power is spell bounding. It pulls me back even though I am gone only a few days. When I was there, I didn’t want to leave. But, within all the peace and beauty lies a fear on a level I have never known. And, I have known fear in some of the deepest forms. This fear I have never experienced. I would never diminish the beauty of Yosemite because of the fear that lies within. Because, the fear comes from me. Yosemite is honest about the raw beauty and power of its nature. It does not say to anyone to play recklessly with the contents. But a person knows that like any of Mother Nature’s great creations you must respect it. But fear? No. Mother Nature does not create fear. Yosemite does not have one landmark named fear. Fear is a force from within.
I went into the hike to Half Dome knowing I was going towards my fears but in denial of them. More specifically I was ignoring that they existed. Perhaps if I just kept putting one foot in front of another fear would always be one step behind. I would be one step ahead.
Maybe, just this one time.
In God’s Beauty.
God’s Country.
Yes, I would stay one step ahead of fear.
I kept telling myself “Fear is a Liar”. Upon reflection I am not sure I believed it as much as I was trying to convince myself. I kept moving. One step ahead. Distracting myself with conversation. At peace in nature. On trails. In the woods. My happy place.
Trail finally gives way to rock and I stand upon a mountain top. The views are too much to take in because the world starts to spin. Fear is catching up to me. If I keep my eyes on the ground, I can keep the world from spinning (and maybe my stomach too). I move forward again. I find myself at the base and starting up Sub Dome. I knew nothing of this ascent. Small steps, up a rock, rocketing up in the sky.
Again, I must grab the ground. I can’t look up or around to enjoy the view. Because everything will spin out of control. I will topple. If I look up fear will have me believe I will fall from my place on earth.
Then I am there. Approaching.
Similar to standing hours in line at an amusement park for a roller coaster I do not want to go on. I am dreading every inch I get closer. I am at the base of Half Dome. The problem with not preparing for reality is that when it happens it can be much more than it needed to be. The senses are not ready. But I move forward. Fear moves with me. I somehow move forward. Fear tells me to stop. Then I feel like fear wants me to move higher so it can play with me. Part way up I realize I will also have to go back down. My greatest fear is the descent. That is the part I have always feared about heights. I freeze. I want off. I want to go down. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want it over. I repeat “Fear is a Liar”. Over and over and over. It does little to quiet the fire. It does enough to melt my muscles and I move. I move up instead of down. I keep moving up. Despite the fear and everything inside telling me to go the other way. If it were not for others I would not have kept going. But I knew if I tried to go down they would stop me and tell me I could do it.
I am at the top. I did it. I moved through the fear.
I can look up. I can look out. I feel at peace. It doesn’t feel right. I shouldn’t feel so at ease with being so high in the sky and so far from earth.
There is a special power at the top of that rock. There is an energy of peace, calm, stillness when I am at the top of Half Dome. I can’t describe it, but I felt it. I am comforted. I am not scared. I enjoy the views. I take it all in. I want to stay longer than we do. I want to explore all the edges. My mind wanders to what it is like when conditions are less than perfect. How would I feel then? I tell myself I would be scared and gripping the rock? Why does the mind go to these thoughts? I go back to enjoying the moment. I push away those fears. Ignoring again what is to come.
The Descent.
I have always feared the descent. From the lowest heights. Going down ladders. Planes landing. Jumping off things into water. I don’t know if it is the feeling of the descent or fear of a fall. Going up has always been easier than down. So, I start to descend Half Dome. I think I have it. Again. I think I am one step ahead of fear. I am walking forward, straight down a rock cliff. Then… fear doesn’t just show up… it kicks my feet out from under me.
Caught You!!!
There I hang by my hands. Feet dangling. Thousands of feet above the earth. I still see it so vividly. My feet.
I remain calm. I have a life grip on the cables.
I get my feet under me.
Time for another approach. Someone suggests two hands and one cable. I am scared but I try. My feet slip again and now I am hanging by one cable. I feel completely exposed and like I will fall at any moment.
This time. No composure. No calm. Fear sees its chance. It has me. I move straight past fear to terrified.
The rest is a blur.
God sends an angel to guide me off the rock.
I keep saying
“Fear is a Liar”
“Fear is an illusion”
“God, I trust you”
“I can do this”
I am pretty sure it sounded like I was trying to convince myself versus sounding like I believed it.
With each step I repeat the same lines. I keep my life grip on the cables. My angel guides me, but I am barely aware of him more than I am anything else beyond my reach. In all the beauty around me I have no memory of it. I try to control my breathing. My head spinning. My legs shaking. My lips numb. I want to be sick. I don’t want to be sick. I want people to keep moving so I can be off the rock. I want people to stop moving so fast. Each move terrifies me.
My angel tells me “Stand. Stand straight as you can and put as much tred as you can on the rock. It doesn’t sound right or feel right, but it is right.”
In fear we must stand up. We must do the opposite of what feels right because there is no right in fear. Fear is always wrong. Fear is a liar. Fear wants you to stop. Fear wanted me to stop. To cling to the cable unable to move. To stay crouched down. The answer? To stand as vertical as I could and to repel. Repel fear. Repel the rock while repelling fear.
Fear wants me to think I almost died, or I could’ve died. Fear wants me to go to all the things that could have happened versus all the things that did happen.
Yes, when I finished, I cried. I cried hard and without control. I cried unexpectedly. I cried out the fear that had its hold on me and some I held back so I could get the rest of the way down the rock. I don’t remember faces. I wasn’t all there. But I do remember feet. I remember feet all around me.
That is the way it can be in fear. We are too afraid to look up. To see the faces around us. But there are Angels all around us.
I remember another time in life when I was unable to look up. I was in a car accident July of 1991. A few weeks shy of 28 years ago. I was the only person in the car when it hydroplaned. The car could have gone two directions. One would have been directly into a rock wall and the other down a cliff into a ravine. I ended up going in the direction of the ravine. I don’t remember anything after leaving the road. I know the car rolled based on what it looked like after. I know I was lucky. Somehow, I managed to get out of the car, gather my belongings, and crawl out of the ravine. My first memory after the accident was sitting on the side of the road, looking down at the ground, and people saying my name.
I never looked up. I never saw their faces. Only the feet of my angels.
Some say that when these events happen you have cheated death. I wasn’t yet 20 when the car accident happened. This time I am not yet 48. At 19, perhaps you can say I cheated death but at 47 I look back and think I have cheated life. My life. Because of fear.
I do not judge myself because of this. I am aware of this very human characteristic I have. My life has been my journey to live. Lessons I needed to learn. I say it because in these last 28 years while facing fears I have also lived a great deal of my life controlled by them.
I keep challenging the fears. That is why I do things like Half Dome. Some can be harder than others. Often the mental are more difficult than the physical.
I fear water. I got certified in diving.
I fear swimming in lakes, rivers, and dark bottom pools but swam in the open ocean.
I fear riding bikes on the side of the road, but I trained for and completed a half ironman. See fear of water above.
I fear heights but fly. I have been in a plane that had to do an emergency landing (after I made a joke about MD80s being grounded. Yes, it was an MD80. Funny God). I was in a plane struck by lightning on the same trip.
I still fear flying, water, climbing trees and ladders.
I fear firecrackers. I only lit one once and it malfunctioned and burned my finger. Would I try again? Yes.
I fear heights and I climbed Half Dome. It still scares me even though I am safely at home. This is what I find so intriguing. I am safe yet my emotions are still right under the surface.
Life is like that. We experience big life events and our emotions are always under the surface. What emotions? I have been quietly reflecting on that. Fear or victory. The mind is going between the two.
Oh fear. You are so good at what you do. Even in the face of victory you can get in the mind and take that away; if I let you. Why can I not look at the victories of the moment without ease of slipping to my fears. Then again, I do want these fears if I am to challenge them, to grow, to change.
The Victories
- I signed up
- I went alone (no friends or spouse)
- Stayed in a tent with strangers
- Conversation with strangers
- Longest trail hike to date
- 19.5 miles with great elevation gain
- Meeting Erica
- Meeting Alysa
- Meeting John
- Meeting Bubbles
- More time with Scott
- Meeting Gary
- The drive – there and back
- Yosemite – Magnificent
- Waterfalls and Rainbows
- Sunset Walk
- Top of Half Dome
- Cables – My angels
- New Friends
When we are scared, we always look down. Or, at least, I do.
I don’t think Its wrong. We bow our heads in prayer. So, when looking down remember to say a prayer. Remember to do it with trust that those around you will support you. Fear is a liar. A very good liar and will try to keep you down. It will become louder within you when you are challenging something big within you.
I have risen and fallen many times in the last 28 years since that accident. I feel as though I have lived my life on my knees. Not crouching and not standing.
How does one stand in fear? Repel fear when it feels so opposite of what you want to do? Will it with all your strength, with trust in God, and STAND. You may not see your angel at your back but he is there. STAND. You may not be able to see the path ahead, but you can see the path under your feet. STAND. It is as solid and as large as any rock that ever existed. STAND. You may want to quit but that is when you must move. STAND.
So, I am here. 28 years later. Angels have delivered me safely to earth once again. What path do I want to take?
Every person has a moment when their soul will no longer be denied.
There is no staying one step ahead of fear. There is no living in denial of fear. Sooner or later it catches up to you. When it does the feeling is stronger than if you had just welcomed it in when you first saw it following you.
My flawed plan was thinking I could outsmart fear. You can’t outsmart fear. You can welcome it. I know that. I knew that. I did.
There is a lesson in all my fears. In my pain.
No more living on my knees. No more living life half done. No more cheating life. Even though I have been living life more than I ever have I see there is still more room for me to grow. To step into life more. How? I don’t know but I feel it.
How many chances do you get?
God wants you.
God wants you to do something with these moments of your life.
Those moments were not meant for you to act. In those moments you were growing, learning, and healing.
But… now. God is asking you to stand.
No more armor.
No more half- way.
Your story is your story. Your story is not a story. Your story is your life. Your story is your strength. Your strength is how you stand.
This is why I will return to the rock. Fear will not have the last word. I will return and I will stand.
Rise Precious One – “Talitha Koum” (Mark 5:35-43)
7-6-19